I hate to be the bearer of bad news.
But you're actually both.
For now.
Both will pass and you'll eventually sail off into the sunset on the next life journey.
But it's how you sail off into that sunset that matters.
If your sail is at half mast with a hole in it and you're facing a ton of obstacles in the water, the next journey isn't going to start well. And if that sail is your only means of propulsion, I don't want to think how it will end.
The idea is to do the best that you can with the tools you have. To get through this journey while sailing as smoothly as possible, with what's available to you at the time.
Best case scenario would be to never drink alcohol again, always eat organic, never eat anything sweet, exercise regularly, sleep more, work less, relax as much as you can and give up coffee for good.
But we're not living in an idealistic bubble, we're realists with real lives and problems and issues and we carry around daily stressors that we know we shouldn't, but we do anyway.
Because we're all human.
So living the best life that you can, when you can, with the tools you have is your best bet.
Because as we age and start in perimenopause, tiredness sets in. You know, the bone weary kind that nothing will fix except a straight 48 hours of slumber, but because you can never sleep right through the night, that is ever going to happen.
So you're exhausted, yet you keep on working, you keep on with life, keep on with keeping on.
Food becomes an issue, because all you want is sugar and carbs and coffee. You know you shouldn't, because everyone tells you otherwise.
But you do it anyway. And you eat the doughnut. And the cake. And maybe that bit of chocolate you've got hidden in the cupboard.
And you go to work every day, but without proper sleep and a balanced diet and too much coffee and little too much wine last weekend, your hormones - already in an unbalanced state - start really tipping over the edge.
And now we come to the crazy part.
Because when you walk into work on a Monday morning, and Rob two cubicles down makes a fly-away comment that you must have had a good weekend because you look a bit tired, and the girl on reception looks younger than she did last week, and you think you look older than you did last week, and your boss sends you 45 action emails before 9.00 am and you have a zoom meeting with fuckwits at 9.30 am... something is going to give.
If you even manage to hold your shit together for the day, grin and bear the load, pretend to enjoy your workmates and guzzle coffee to keep you awake, you're taking all of that home.
I'll give you a scenario I've experienced.
I walk in the front door after a day's work, having experienced something similar to the above description. My partner says "Hello Darling" with a smile on his face. And I think, wow you're annoying. And then all I want to do is smash him in the face.
Of course, it's not just because of that. It's also because his smile looks weird.
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Now, the difference between sanity and insanity is actually carrying out all the psychotic scenarios that circulate around in your head constantly. I don't actually smash him in the face. I may think about it more than I care to admit, but I don't actually do it.
And I know many of us are in the same boat. Looking back on that, I can laugh at it. But at the time, the irritation that can grow into something nearing a loss of control is no joke. In the moment the irritation, the anger, the fury - whatever you're going through, is pure and real and almost uncontrollable.
It can actually be quite scary.
Is it any wonder why we ask ourselves if we're batshit crazy at times?
If we had zero demands on our time, and access to everything available to us, we could spend all day every day nurturing ourselves gently through perimenoopause and beyond.
But if that isn't the case for you, then eat, sleep, drink and move as best you can on any given day. And that will be enough.
Just know that you're not on your own, these intense moments or phases won't last forever, and you won't always feel like you're carrying on like a madwoman.
Also know that if you acknowledge that doing your best, even if it varies from day to day, is perfect for you. Every day is different, and we need to take a healthy and compassionate approach to taking care of ourselves. With time, self-care, and some adjustments, things can and do get better. As long as you're doing what you can, it's always going to be more than doing nothing at all.
Enjoy your journey x
Side note: I'd also like to add, my gorgeous partner Troy has never been harmed in any way during one of my outbursts. I love him more than life itself. Even when he smiles weirdly.
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